‘It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.’ Those words used to make no sense to me. Now they make perfect sense. That’s the phrase that best describes the last six years of my life.
We decided to have another child right about the time our son was just getting started down the road of, what I like to call, working on his testimony. He was 16.
You have such big dreams for your children. To, seemingly, watching them all be thrown away, in exchange for gangs and drugs, is one of the most painful things a parent can go through. Add to that, the horror of infertility. It’s like a death every month you’re not pregnant. But, unlike with losing a loved one…there’s never closure. On top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, the economy was tanking and our money had suddenly been cut in half.
I spent a good two or three years mad at God. I went through the motions, no one knew. Inside though, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to talk about it with friends or family. And I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of infertile women sharing sob stories and having a big pity party. I was doing that just fine all by myself.
I didn’t want to discuss our son because my pride got in the way of that. We were a good Christian family, active in the church. I taught kids at church! Looking back, I really felt like I was being punished for past sins.
During that time, I also witnessed God do miraculous things, in spite of my self centered attitude. Like, how our bills always got paid with so much less money. Our house selling to the first people who looked at it. Opening up our own business. Which, in the beginning, felt way more like a curse than a blessing. How He held our marriage together in the midst of all this. And that’s just to name a few.
During the last couple years, I’ve done some of my best writing. It was totally God speaking through me. I take no credit. And while sitting at our store (which I loathed) I learned to play guitar. That’s when God started giving me songs! But it wasn’t until I had had all I could stand and gave up. I told God that no matter what happens in my life. No matter what road He leads me down. No matter if I never have another child, or if the one He’s blessed me with doesn’t do what I want. I’m going to choose to trust Him. I realized He knows what’s best for me and either way I trust Him completely!
Is my life perfect now? Hardly, but God has given me and my husband a clear vision that our son will be ok. God’s using me and my songs to minister to people. Don’t be surprised if you’re not hearing some of them on the radio in the future! Our business is growing. We have a new church home. Great friends old and new. Life is good, even when it’s not so good, when you trust in The Lord!
I know what I’m doing, says The Lord. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11
Trust in The Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your was acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6