This is a tough blog for me to write, but I feel like someone needs to hear this.
We started trying to have a child when we were thirty six years old. It wasn’t an easy road. In fact, it sucked really bad. We’re now forty two, with no baby. We were successful one month, which resulted in a miscarriage.
I stayed mad at God for a long time. He had given me two biological children. One, who is a prodigal son, and the other, our daughter Averie, who died when she was only a month old.
I seriously don’t get it. I see people having babies all the time who, in my opinion, don’t need them. People have abortions every day. The bible clearly says that children are blessings from God. Why then, does He choose to bless those who don’t even really want them, mistreat them and toss them to the side?
I understand free will and that we live in a fallen world, but God is ultimately in control right? I’ve almost given up trying to figure it out. Notice I said almost. I do have my moments. Obviously.
I know I’m not the only one who’s been through this, even though during the height of it all, the isolation was terrible. You feel like no one understands, and honestly, most people don’t, and they say really ignorant, hurtful things.
I decided a couple years ago that I would trust God no matter what, and it changed my life. I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was great! But remember, I said I do have my moments. This morning was one of my ‘moments’.
I was sitting here thinking about our son. I was feeling hurt, sad, furious, sorry for myself…you name it. The strange thing was, that I also felt peace. I know that I’m blessed.
We are human. Emotions make up who we are, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling them, even though, sometimes they suck! What makes them wrong is when we take our focus off God, and let our emotions control us.
Even though we didn’t have a baby. Even though our son is working on his testimony. I am at peace! I’m standing on God’s promises! I trust that God is in control and that He knows what’s best for us. We have so much to be thankful for!
We have great family and friends who pray for us. We have work and God’s provision. We have our health. Our home, albeit a work in progress. We have love! Thank you Father, that even in the midst of the worst of times, You give us peace!
Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:33-34