Jealousy Makes Your Breath Stink!

Have y’all ever played a prank on someone and later regretted, or at least decided it was just too sick? The story I’m about to tell y’all is one that’s so unbelievable, it almost seems to have reached folklore status. I have always, and will continue to maintain the stance that I have no relation to anyone, or any thing associated with this story. Should I ever be questioned in a court of law, regarding said story, I would adamantly  plead the 5th! Also let the record show that, for the sake of anonymity, (God knows it’s in order!) and out of respect for the victims and their families, names have been changed! 

Once upon a time, in a little town called Trof Enyap, there lived a man named Werd. Werd was a quirky young man who loved nothing more than to “one-up” people. It was once said that he would even “one-up” his own mother! However, one fateful day the one-upping would be put to a rather abrupt hault. 

**One-up: Verb To outdo, to do something slightly better than a competitor’s prior effort. *Every year the neighbors try to one-up each other with their holiday lights.

It was just another day at the factory. Werd was, as he always was, looking for the perfect one-upping opportunity. Upon rounding the corner, he witnessed Atsir, a fellow co-worker, getting lots of laughs by wearing her Billy Bob teeth, and acting silly. Werd, reeling with jealousy, and determined to one-up poor Astir, ran to his office, grabbed his Billy Bob teeth, and proceeded to join the antics. The crowd erupted into deafening laughter upon seeing Werd donning the fake teeth. The weird thing was, being one-upped didn’t seem to bother Astir one bit! In fact, Astir was laughing as hard, if not harder, than the rest of the crowd. Werd, feeling rather proud of himself, ran his tongue over the fake, rotten looking Billy Bob teeth. “I’m so funny” Werd thought to himself as he watched the crowd laugh. It was as if they were at a taping of South Park, or The Bob Newhart Show?! 

Legend has it that the laughter was so loud that the ground began to shake! The town’s people ran out of their homes to see what was going on! Some thought it was an earthquake, while others thought the rapture was surely taking place!! Windows began to crumble from their frames and foundations of nearby houses were shifted! Never in the history of the little town of Trof Enyap has there ever been such laughter, and it’s doubtful there will ever be again. 

About now, you may find yourself asking what’s so bad about this story, and if a prank was even ever played. From the sound of things, it may appear that Werd had, once again, come out on top. My how looks can be deceiving! Don’t tell me y’all thought Werd was that much funnier than the next guy wearing fake teeth?! My goodness, you could be the least funny person in the world and get laughs wearing Billy Bob teeth! What was so funny was the fact that everyone one in the factory, except poor Werd, knew that those Billy Bob teeth had been where no teeth should ever go! They had been rubbed directly on another man’s anus! Yes, you read it right….anus! And for those who might not understand sophisticated words like anus…it was rubbed directly on another man’s butthole! 

While Werd was having a nice, juicy hamburger for lunch, Yenky, a fellow co-worker, who happened to be sick and tired of Werd’s constant one-upping, was having, and thoroughly enjoying Werd’s Billy Bob teeth! Yenky knew that, should anyone else get attention with their teeth, Werd would surely go through hell or high water to get even more attention with his teeth! Being that Yenky realized Astir was, by far, the funniest person in the whole factory, he urged her to don her teeth, and entertain the troops. Yenky then proceeded to spread the word (just like he had spread his cheeks) about how he’d “had” Werd’s Billy Bob teeth for lunch. As it is, and always will be in small town factories, word got back to Werd concerning the whereabouts of his Billy Bob teeth. Word had also gotten back to Yenky concerning the fact that word had gotten back to Werd. Yenky wasn’t a bit scared! Yenky wasn’t scared of anything! Werd, on the other hand, never had the intestinal fortitude to confront Yenky, however, as legend would have it, Werd never even tried to one-up anyone ever again!! 

The moral of this story is that jealousy can leave a person with, dare I say, a really bad taste in their mouth! The bible says in Exodus 20:17, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbors.” If you ask me, even in KJV, that’s plain as the anus in your crack! Or the nose on your face.

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