So, I went last week and had my yearly Pap smear and mammogram. Oh the joys of being over 40! Before I headed out for the probing, Tucker asked me to take him by Subway. One of the girls who works there goes to our church. She took Tucker’s order then asked me what I’d be having. “Oh nothing for me. I am about to go for my yearly check up and I’d rather not pass gas.” She burst out laughing and assured me that I wasn’t right. I assured her that I was! “You’re in a very vulnerable position!” I told her. “There’s no holding it in!” We all had a good laugh over that one. Well, we ladies did. Tucker, not so much. 

I’ve got to tell you, this visit was a less pleasant experience than usual. For instance the young girl checking me in asked if I’d ever had a bone density test. What the?!? Bone density test? B¡$@#, are you freakin’ kidding me?! Clearly she had my chart in her hand. 6/2/70. Not 6/2/50. Then when she asked if I’d been having any problems, I told her that my periods were getting closer together. She said “Wow. I thought they were supposed to get further apart and stop?” Once again I desperately wanted to call that pretty young thing the B word, but I just smiled, went to the exam room, and put on the lovely, paper attire the nurse had graciously placed on the exam table. As I sat there in all my glory, wrapped in paper like a Christmas or birthday present, I had just about made up my mind to put my clothes back on, walk right out that door, and tell every single person working there “forget you” (and that’s putting it nicely) when my doctor walked through the door. I guess God was punishing me for calling that girl ugly names in my mind! Sometimes I pretend not to know that God knows our every thought.  

The doctor sat in the chair and chatted me up for a few minutes. I just knew he would say something about me gaining weight since last visit (which was in 2011!) but he hadn’t. I figured I’d just beat him to the punch so, when he asked me about taking adderall, I said “Yeah, I’m probably the only person on the face of the earth to take adderall twice a day and still be fat.” “Well, I don’t know about that.” He said. “And besides, you’re not fat.”I looked that man straight in the eyes and said “If it wouldn’t make things awkward, and I weren’t naked, and wrapped in paper, I’d get up right now and kiss you right on the mouth!” Well, I never exactly said those words, but I definitely thought them! Thankfully the rational part of my brain stepped it up a notch and stopped me from totally embarrassing myself. Y’all don’t need the rest of the details. I believe it would be accurate to say that I left that office feeling somewhat violated. Now on to the mammogram! 

A mammogram makes a Pap smear seem like a cakewalk. Don’t get me wrong, Pap smears are no fun, but a mammogram hurts like the dickens! Whatever the heck that means. Once again you’re asked to disrobe. At least this time it’s only from the waist up! The lady stands you against this machine that has a small table like thing attached to it. Then she proceeds to position you extremely close to the table like thing. She tells you to raise your arm then she grabs your breast and stretches it, with two hands, across the little table. Then she tells you to tilt your head back and relax your shoulder! Relax my shoulder?! Are you kidding me?! The position she had me in was worse than the school yearbook photographer! “Tilt your head this way, but look that way.”  

Y’all know what I’m talking about? If that’s not bad enough she then smooshes your breast as much as it will smoosh, then takes a leisurely stroll to her camera. She tells you one more time to tilt your had back and relax your shoulder. All the while your thinking “can this woman be any slower?!” Finally she tells you to hold your breath. “Lady, I’m about to pass out from holding my breath because my boob is in a vice!” Finally she gets the picture, and once again, I leave feeling violated. WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MAM! – MOGRAM!

Sometimes in life it’s necessary to go through unpleasant things. It always has been, and it always will be. The thing is, as we walk this long, and winding  road we call life, even though there will always be times when we feel pain, or when we feel violated, or when we feel fat, there’s someone who will always make you feel better! God will always scoop you up, wrap you in His loving arms, help ease your pain, and make you feel protected! And if you’re really blessed, He just might put someone in your path to tell you you’re not fat! 

Whoever goes to the Lord for safety, whoever remains under the protection of the Almighty, can say to him, “You are my defender and protector. You are my God; in you I trust.” He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases.He will cover you with his wings (not paper); you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you. Psalm 91:1-4

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