No proofreader this morning, so ask the Holy Spirit to allow you to read this the way it should be read :-). There’s been a lot happening in this world lately. Before you decide to stop reading, this is not a political blog!! Listen, if you don’t believe that we have an enemy, who is out to destroy us, then you’d better think again!
There’s so many people hurting right now. Drugs addiction, divorce, and sickness, just to name a few. As I sit here typing this, there are people I love having to go through some very difficult things.
I got a letter from a young man who used to live with us. He struggles with heroin addiction, and is currently in jail. To say that the letter was GUT wrenching was an understatement. I don’t pretend to know what an addict goes through on a daily basis but, this letter gave me great insight. Some of you reading this blog may know him so, before you say anything about jailhouse religion or that people in jail are manipulative, you listen to me and listen good! Well, you’re actually reading so, take this in real nice and deep like. Don’t any of you think for one minute that an addict can’t know Jesus! Don’t you let me hear you say that a person, who struggles with addiction, couldn’t possibly be saved! If I do hear you say that you will walk away having you a new one ripped, and ripped good! Then I’ll tell you have much Jesus loves you and how He offers the same cure for pompous a$$holes that He offers to the addicted! Now, all that being said, I want to share some of this letter.
Tuesday-I started writing this section because I want to get high. There are addicts all around me and hearing them glorify the high drives me bonkers! Almost to the point where, if I think about it hard enough, my heart will start pounding just like it does when I’m making a shot. This is terrible! My mom sent me a few pics. One of them is from 14 years ago, I was 13. At that time I had never even popped a pill. I see a much different person. My smile and posture are way different than they are now! Who knew that kid would become a full blown heroin addict and living this lifestyle. My heart saddens for that kid. Then I realize, that kid is ME!
Wednesday- Today has been a good day physically. However, mentally and spiritually, WW3 has erupted! The urge to get high is very much alive in me. If it were right here in front of me, I’d relapse. I have been clean since July 28, 2016 at 4:40 pm. That’s almost 47 days down to the hour. Now spiritually, God is moving in and I’m happy about that. I’ve been wondering what’s been keeping that fire from igniting.
The next part I’m going to share is speaking about gang involvement. Listen, those of you who have teenagers. If you think your children are immune to any of this…think again! My biggest failure as a parent was not making sure our sone knew who he was in Christ! Your children have to know who they are in Christ, or they’re prime candidates for gangs to prey on, and for drug addiction. I don’t care how good of a kid they are!!! What I’m about to share was written after the guards placed a member from a rival gang in his cel. Don’t you tell me that God isn’t very much alive and present inside jails! I won’t be naming gangs. I’ll just leave that blank.
As God would have it, the guards mistakenly moved a ______ into my cel. At 6am he was being very loud and I instantly thought he was disrespecting me. I was mad! My mind instantly thought ‘he’s doing that because I’m ____ and he thinks I won’t do anything,’ He’s an older man, and when I looked at him, one of his eyes was shriveled and he didn’t seem quite right. I just couldn’t be mean. My mouth opened, but not a word came out. God put a sock in it so to speak. I’m supposed to be this SGT for the _____, some tough guy. BS!!! This ain’t for me! Not at all! In fact my heart says GIVE! I’ve teamed up thinking about how pathetic this really is. Lightbulb moment! That’s one demon down! I FEEL FRICKIN AWESOME! PEACE!! With that kind of hate, who could love?! After I realized all this, they called his name to leave. Funny how God works sometimes.
Thursday- I’m still very weak as a Christian and a recovering addict but, I find myself wanting to help others. I’m slowly getting empathy and feelings for others back. At least I’m not completely void of other people’s feelings. Here’s a tip for people trying to help addicts. Show them pictures of themselves when they were younger like my mom did for me. I studied myself as a baby, and there’s no way that beautiful baby boy was meant become a heroin junkie. I feel so sorry for him and his family. Then again I realize that little boy is me!
Friday- I saw a story on the news about a 4yr old boy who has a terminal illness. Every day his parents get up and count a blessing. I don’t deserve my kids! Normal, healthy and beautiful but, I haven’t cherished every day with them. I, (addicts) instead have cherished every thing in life that means nothing! My kids deserve parents like that little boy’s and those parents deserve babies like mine. Perfect example of why I say I’m a piece of shit. Why?! It’s times like this that I question God. I do love my kids though. You just wouldn’t know it when I’m getting high. MORON! GOD PLEASE GET ME AWAY FROM HERE!
Saturday- Last night I dreamed about heroin. The dreams are so real. Sleep is the only time I feel freedom. I don’t want those dreams. They make me wake up in a cold sweat. It’s nearly impossible to go back to sleep when your only pillow and sheet are partially wet. It’s a curse. It’s got to be. It’s EVIL! God, why does my struggle have to be SOOOO bad for me?! Why can’t I use my brain in the free world?! I wish my addiction were a physical being. I’d kill it! It’s times like this, I wonder if I’ll ever beat it. I think about all this and tears of anger and hate can run down my face. I’m sweating as if I’m nervous. PRAY FOR ME.
Sunday- I really don’t want to write today but quitting is not an option. This is therapy. Today is my 27th bday, and 4 out of the last 5 have been behind bars. Nobody to blame but myself. I have to take responsibility for my actions. Romans 7: what I will to do, I don’t do it. What I will NOT to do, I do it anyway. It’s not me but the sin that lives in me. I hate sin! Curse you Adam and Eve!
Y’all, this struggle is very deep, and very real. And NO ONE is immune! No one. One of my good friends just lost her 21yr old son to this crap. We all know where Jayden is, and I can’t wait to see him again! I’m so glad his momma has that assurance! If you have, or know teenagers, make yourself aware of what’s going on with drugs! Don’t be blind or think this couldn’t happen to your kid! I thought that and it happened to mine!! Only by the grace of God do we still have him! God’s grace also (sometimes) comes in the form of bringing His children Home with Him to save them from a life of destruction. Such was Jayden’s case! I’m happy for him but sad for his family and friends.
Listen. I love y’all! I’m here for anyone who’s dealing with an addict. I will talk to you any time! If you live in, or near, this area and need assistance contact me (message me on here or find me on Facebook, Christa Hawkins) or check out the website for The Pneuma Gallery. I’m a board member of this wonderful organization and we can get you some help! https://pneuma-gallery-inc.godaddysites.com/