So, I haven’t written in so long, I’m not even sure I remember how to do this. The thing is, I just feel the need to share some things, because I believe someone needs to know they are not alone.
If you’ve read any of my past blogs you know that our son, Tucker, struggles with addiction, and has since he was about 16 years old. He’s 27. You also know that we are Christians, and our faith is what has carried us through for many years. Can I admit something to you? I mean, can I be really real for just a second? No churchy mask. No cliche, churchy sayings, just honest emotions. I’m so tired of all this shit! I’m tired of praying. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of trusting. I. Am. Tired. And quite frankly, I’m mad as hell!
If you’re a Christian, and you’re sitting here reading this with your mouth gaped in disbelief, being all “judgy”… get over yourself! God offers the same solution for judgmental buttholes as He does for any other sinner! From what I’ve read in the Bible, David, among others, got pretty dang mad at God, and God seemed to handle it just fine! Look at Psalm 42:9-11a. David seemed a tad put off by his situation.
These last couple of relapses we’ve went through with our son, have been bad. Really bad. I think one of the main reasons it’s been so bad is because I thought the promises God made to us, concerning our son, had been fulfilled. He was doing so well! We had kept the faith and prayed so long for our son to be healed, and we believed our prayers had been answered, then BAM! Here we go again! For the last 11 years, it never fails, every time we get our hopes up, there’s something else. Like most addicts, Tucker is a good person… when he’s clean. He has so much potential. He’s loving and kind. He’s super smart. He’s good! However, the enemy is working overtime to destroy our families. The devil is a dick!
As a mother, you’re connected to your child on a spiritual level. I don’t care how old they are, or how far away they may be. I don’t care if you and your child haven’t spoken in years. I don’t care if you’ve had to set big boundaries with your adult child; whatever the situation may be, you’re connected. There’s no amount of tough love that can disconnect you from your children. You can live your life, trying not to let the addiction control you as much as it does them, but you can never forget about the addiction or them. And let’s be honest here. Sometimes you want to forget. It’s painful.
If you’re the parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, child or friend of someone in active addiction, and you’re tired, just know you’re not alone. Even those of us who have been Christians a long time get tired.
Me, personally? I’m struggling. I’m struggling with praying, because I don’t want to be let down. I’m struggling with trusting, because that’s just plain hard! I know what the Bible says is true, but I’m still struggling. I can’t be the only one!!!
In the Bible any time someone was mad at God their story always ends with them praising God. Look at the end of verse 11, in Psalm 42
Fix my eyes on God— He puts a smile on my face.
God can handle our anger. I know I’ll get through this, we all will! I would appreciate your prayers and I’ll pray for any of you who ask.