Sh*t Just Got Real!

So, I haven’t written in so long, I’m not even sure I remember how to do this. The thing is, I just feel the need to share some things, because I believe someone needs to know they are not alone.

If you’ve read any of my past blogs you know that our son, Tucker, struggles with addiction, and has since he was about 16 years old. He’s 27. You also know that we are Christians, and our faith is what has carried us through for many years. Can I admit something to you? I mean, can I be really real for just a second? No churchy mask. No cliche, churchy sayings, just honest emotions. I’m so tired of all this shit! I’m tired of praying. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of trusting. I. Am. Tired. And quite frankly, I’m mad as hell!

If you’re a Christian, and you’re sitting here reading this with your mouth gaped in disbelief, being all “judgy”… get over yourself! God offers the same solution for judgmental buttholes as He does for any other sinner! From what I’ve read in the Bible, David, among others, got pretty dang mad at God, and God seemed to handle it just fine! Look at Psalm 42:9-11a. David seemed a tad put off by his situation.

* Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, “Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?” They’re out for the kill, these tormentors with their obscenities, Taunting day after day,
“Where is this God of yours? Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues?

These last couple of relapses we’ve went through with our son, have been bad. Really bad. I think one of the main reasons it’s been so bad is because I thought the promises God made to us, concerning our son, had been fulfilled. He was doing so well! We had kept the faith and prayed so long for our son to be healed, and we believed our prayers had been answered, then BAM! Here we go again! For the last 11 years, it never fails, every time we get our hopes up, there’s something else. Like most addicts, Tucker is a good person… when he’s clean. He has so much potential. He’s loving and kind. He’s super smart. He’s good! However, the enemy is working overtime to destroy our families. The devil is a dick!

As a mother, you’re connected to your child on a spiritual level. I don’t care how old they are, or how far away they may be. I don’t care if you and your child haven’t spoken in years. I don’t care if you’ve had to set big boundaries with your adult child; whatever the situation may be, you’re connected. There’s no amount of tough love that can disconnect you from your children. You can live your life, trying not to let the addiction control you as much as it does them, but you can never forget about the addiction or them. And let’s be honest here. Sometimes you want to forget. It’s painful.

If you’re the parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, child or friend of someone in active addiction, and you’re tired, just know you’re not alone. Even those of us who have been Christians a long time get tired.

Me, personally? I’m struggling. I’m struggling with praying, because I don’t want to be let down. I’m struggling with trusting, because that’s just plain hard! I know what the Bible says is true, but I’m still struggling. I can’t be the only one!!!

In the Bible any time someone was mad at God their story always ends with them praising God. Look at the end of verse 11, in Psalm 42

Fix my eyes on God— soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God.

God can handle our anger. I know I’ll get through this, we all will! I would appreciate your prayers and I’ll pray for any of you who ask.

8 thoughts on “Sh*t Just Got Real!”

  1. Christa i feel your pain my son has been addited since he was 12 yrs old hes 33 hes in prison for. 18 months.so i know your pain i k ow your heart and it does get old..and i ask why all the time i do know the only way i make it is just pray its been really hard and its tuff to show tuff love love but i will never give up i trust i will get my son back one day victories…i know God has a plan but not in my timing but his it is so hard girl but we can make it ..pray f or me and christopher and ill pray for you and tucker..love you girl..

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  2. Christa – I love you and believe God will be faithful to you and your prayers. I am on round 2 of Mark Batterson’s “Draw the CIrcle” 40 Day Prayer Challenge. As I read your blog, I quickly was reminded of what I read in his book today – “It’s the impossible prayers that honor God because the reveal our faith and allow God to reveal His glory.” Luke 11 talks about an audacious man who will not take no for an answer. Continue to be audacious in your prayers for Tucker in this season of your lives. “…yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.”
    I bind together in agreement today and each day going forward with you proclaiming deliverance, victory and joy in not only Tucker’s life, but your family’s life as a whole.
    God is the ‘I AM” and that is simply enough.
    I LOVE YOU!

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  3. Boy do I know how you feel. We have a daughter that is an alcoholic and takes pills.She just turned 30 and I honestly did not think she would see this birthday. She has been an active alcoholic since she turned 19. We have sent her to rehabs and sober living places. The last one I thought she finally got it. I got hope again to only see it blow up in our face. I know about being mad at God. I thought here I pray and pray and what good does it do. I feel your pain and right now I am in a good place with God. Totally understand how you feel ! Thanks for sharing your feelings and all of us who have addicts understand where you are coming from. May God bless you and your family!!

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  4. Christa- I absolutely feel your pain. It’s unending, some days it just feels dull, like you are in a fog. I have uttered the words, “I don’t get it. And I don’t understand.” So MANY times. I, too, have grown weary of praying. I always believe they will work…it’s the… when. How much longer? I get angered over the time that is lost that cannot be replaced. My son is doing better now. Thank you, Good Lord. But it’s not the same and there’s always the fear of returning to the other life. I will keep your son in my prayers.

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    1. I’m so glad your son is doing better! It gives me hope. I do understand about the fear of them going back. It’s been that way every time Tucker gets clean 😞. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy! Thanks for your prayers and I’ll pray for y’all too!

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