I hope everyone had a great weekend! I have to say, with a couple exceptions, which I may write about later, mine was pretty good. Seeing midget wrestling topped off my weekend quite nicely, if I do say so myself 😁! Not to mention all the comments and messages I’ve received on my last blog. Seriously, thank y’all so much for the prayers! I promise you I feel them! And I promise I’m going to pray for those of you who are in my shoes!
There was something else that happened last week, concerning Tucker, that I wanted to tell y’all about. Something I believe God used to give me a little more insight into the mind of an addict.
The morning I woke up and realized I had missed two calls from jail, I told y’all I had a bad feeling all day. When I got in the shower I was praying and I was overcome by an overwhelming feeling of failure and shame. This was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve felt like a failure before, and I’ve certainly felt shame. This was different. In my mind I thought, what’s the point? I’m always going to screw things up! I’m never going to get any of this right. I may as well give up completely! I was crying so hard that my heart was hurting. Words can’t begin to describe the pain I felt! Crushing, gut wrenching, destructive pain.
Since I’ve been a christian, I’ve tried not to be a person who dwells on my mistakes. I’m not always the best at it, but I’m spiritually mature enough to know that is a trick of the devil and pointless. I can honestly say, I have never in my life felt this defeated. Ever. So for me to feel like that, was so confusing to me. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out where those feelings were coming from! I was beginning to wonder what in the hell (and I’m not using that word loosely. It felt like hell) was wrong with me! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I mean, like a slap in the face. This is how an addict must feel! Utterly and completely defeated. My heart was immediately broken, in a completely different way. I mean, just shattered. The weird thing is, the minute I figured out what was going on, and I started praying for every addict I could think of, those feelings disappeared.
Y’all, I know how badly I feel when I feel like I’ve let someone down. I know how much I’ve hurt when I’ve done something I thought I would never do, or when I have repeated something I said I would never do again! I can’t imagine being an addict and feeling the overwhelming feeling of failure over and over, or the crushing feeling of completely giving up on life. I only felt that for a few minutes and I promise you, I would have done just about anything to make that feeling go away. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.
I completely understand the frustration of dealing with an addict. I most definitely understand being mad at the person and wanting to throat punch the crap out of them, or at least cuss them out one good time. Believe me, I do! I understand having to have big boundaries with those who struggle with addiction; even when it’s your child. None of those things means we give up on that person!
Since having that feeling, my heart has changed and so have my prayers. I’m praying that God can let Tucker see that he is not a failure, and that with God he can overcome addiction. I pray that he remembers that he belongs to God, and that no matter what state of mind he’s in, or what he’s doing, God has never left him and He never will! I pray that he remembers what it felt like to be clean and that he knows there are so many people who love him so much. I pray that God gives him a tiny glimpse of who he is in Christ and that he grabs hold of that! And I’m thankful, even though it was very painful, that God gave me a glimpse of what Tucker must be feeling. I honestly believe that Tucker was feeling that at that very moment and it was so overwhelming God knew he couldn’t handle it all, so He allowed me to take some of the burden for Tucker.
Some of you reading this may think I’m completely crazy and that’s ok. I’ve got just enough Jesus in me to pray for you, and just enough of my own flesh to tell you what you can do with your thoughts!😁