I want to start off by saying this. Y’all have no idea how much your prayers, messages, texts, comments, calls, and visits have meant to me and my family. I seriously have tears in my eyes as I write. It has been over overwhelming! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Those of you who have mentioned having loved ones who struggle with addiction, I have prayed for them as well. We can never stop praying for those in the chains of addiction!
After having dropped Tuck off with no phone and just the clothes on his back, the next day was rough! So many thoughts went through my head! And y’all, I don’t talk near enough about the brain injury. Tucker’s TBI (traumatic brain injury) plays such a big part in his struggles. TBI’s are one of those things that get swept under the rug. They look fine. They seem fine to me. Yada, yada, yada. Those things are forever! TBI survivors have struggles no one understands. You don’t remotely have a clue unless you’ve lived it, or have a loved one who has. Period.
Anyway, as I was saying, the next day was brutal. The thought of not being able to at least see that he was online, or know that he had seen a message from me was awful. Also, I had regrets from the day before. I regretted not hugging him when he left. Admittedly, at the moment, I couldn’t wait for him to get the hell out of my car. The guilt of feeling that way towards my only son was crushing. At the same time, it’s hard to want to hug someone when they’re being so mean to the people who love them the most! What I’ve found is that tough love is often easy in the moment. It’s later, when you have time to really think about things, that tough love hurts the most. I wanted so badly to go buy Tucker a phone! I was so afraid that something would happen to him and it would take forever for us to find out. He had no way to contact anyone for a ride or a place to stay?! Would he have to sleep outside?! How would I know?! The thing is, I really felt like God was telling me to back off. I knew we couldn’t get Tucker a phone, just like I know we can’t allow him to live in our home. Heartbroken.
That morning my best friend, Lajuana, called to check on me and to see if I had heard from Tuck. I had not. She’s close enough to Tucker that she feels a lot of the same emotions I do. Mad, then sad. She loves him as much as any blood relative, yet she can sometimes do what we can not. And she did. She told me when I found out where he was to let her know and she would buy him a phone. Not for him, but for us. Y’all! That’s love. That’s friendship.
Later that day Tucker messaged me. He had made his way to a friend’s mother’s house. She’s always so kind to let Tucker into her home. Again, someone doing something we can’t! I’m grateful. He was begging me to give him a ride. I told him I wouldn’t do anything without first asking his dad. My first instinct is (excuse my language) to not do a damn thing for his ungrateful ass, but I’ve learned (the hard way) not to base my decisions on emotions. That’s why I put it off on Steve😁! I always trust what he says. He’s tough yet compassionate. He told me to give him a ride. He said he never wanted Tucker to feel like we’ve turned our backs on him. He said that not allowing him into our home was enough. There may come a time when we can’t even give him a ride, but it was the right decision at the time. I know that.
Lajuana went with me to get him and I have to say, it wasn’t bad at all. He was calm. Much different from the last time. I had bought him some necessities; underwear, socks, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and some food gift cards. Lajuana gave him his phone. He ended up going to dinner with us. It was nice. Uneventful. Someone picked him up and we haven’t seen him since.
He won’t answer my messages, but he reads them. Does that make me mad? Sometimes. Does it hurt my feelings? A lot of the time. The thing is, I can’t react to him based on his actions. I have to try and do what is right no matter how he acts! That should go for anyone we encounter!
Some days I’m hopeful! Some days I feel defeated. Every day I know, that no matter how I feel, God is in control and He loves Tucker more than I ever could! God made me a promise about Tucker years ago! God never lies! Tucker May have veered off track, but God hasn’t!
*”God is not a man, that he should lie;
He doesn’t change his mind like humans do. Has he ever promised, without doing what he said?” Numbers 23:19*