What if you picked up a book, started reading, got really into it, only to get to the end and realize the author had not finished the book? How mad would you be?!? There have been more than a few times in my life when I’ve felt like I was in the middle of a horror story with no ending in sight. Have any of you ever felt that way?
Today I’m featuring a guest blogger, whose words perfectly describe what it’s like to be smack dab in the middle of an unfinished story. I know someone needs to hear this! I know there are plenty of people who can relate! She’s chosen to remain anonymous, which sucks because I really want to brag on her! I hope this speaks to you as much as it spoke to me! Enjoy!
There are so many beautiful stories that are out there about the amazing miracles that God has performed. I love reading them. They take you on the whole journey from the darkest hour up to the answered prayer. That’s not this story. This story is written from the middle. You know, when it looks like the hero has been defeated and the world is falling apart. This story doesn’t have an end; not yet, anyway. I wish I could perfectly predict the ending to my own story as easily as my husband can predict the end of a Hallmark Christmas movie, but that’s just not where we are. Not yet. I know that may make this hard to read, but I also know that sometimes it’s what other people who are still in their “middle” may need to hear.
You see, for two years, my husband and I have wanted to have children of our own. And at the beginning of this journey, God made me a promise that one day we’d have our child. Since then, we’ve been to countless fertility appointments and I’ve been stuck with more needles than I care to count. So far, we’ve had five early miscarriages and still have no real explanation as to why. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and stress with a few breakdowns along the way. Each time I thought “I can’t do this one more time. If I have to go through this again, it will kill me”. In the darkest days, I even prayed that God would just take me home. At least then I could be with my sweet babies that I never got to hold. It’s a strange feeling to miss some tiny little baby that you never knew. I was stuck in some “Through the Looking Glass” world; I have no children here, but on the other side, I know my babies are waiting. I just couldn’t get to them. I was afraid people would think I was crazy or overreacting. “At least you can get pregnant…At least it wasn’t further along…” and those who didn’t know “When are you two going to have some babies?” I swear if I heard anyone say any of those things one more time, I was gonna throat punch somebody. Even those questions were enough to bring me to tears at times. I still get asked when we’re having kids and it’s still hard not to say something catty in return. They don’t realize what I go through every month wondering the same thing. Those feelings combined with the fact that my pregnancies were never even public knowledge left me feeling more alone than I’ve ever been. I quit telling my husband about any of it until it was another miscarriage and then I only told him because I knew he’d wonder why I was acting so out of sorts. I was afraid to keep talking about it even to close friends because surely they must be tired of being around you like when you’re just sad ALL THE TIME. Tired of not knowing what to say or do. I was tired of it, too, but every time I thought I was coming up for air, it seemed to happen again and I was knocked back under the waves, struggling to come up for even a brief gasp of air. Then the oceans would settle some. Then another wave. You get the idea. But here I am. Still here. Still waiting. This is where the learning begins.
Somehow, we have to keep moving. Many times, things happen in life and it feels as though the whole world just keeps going without you. You have to learn how to move with it again almost like learning to walk for a second time; you remember the how it feels, but you struggle to actually make the motions. In this place, I’ve wondered “How can there be good to comeout of all of this?” That’s what His word says, right? Ashes for beauty? And I still believe it. But HOW? God stands in His own realm of understanding that we may never see on this earth. And for someone like me who’s a “control freak”, that’s hard. I still cling to that promise he made me in October of 2017. But I’m human and, if I’m honest, I sometimes think maybe He forgot about me or that the promise has now expired. Maybe it’s easier for some people to just trust the Big Picture, but for me, it’s not easy. I’m still a work in progress.
However, out of these difficult questions and trying to continue to muddle my way through everyday life, I finally figured out that it’s easier if I remember that I have a purpose. Not just at the end of a story, but even now, YOU have a place to fill. Finding your way back to enjoying the spiritual gifts you were given can make all the difference. Imagine being able to be a part of what God uses to put a smile on someone’s face or be comfort or strength in a time of need. Strength? Even now? Yep. He is able to provide a supernatural peace, comfort and strength when we have hard days. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take a lot of prayer or that sometimes you won’t still need to sit and cry sometimes. But it does mean that you can pick yourself back up and keep moving. He’s still there and He’s steady. Consistent. Trustworthy. He has been so faithful so many times. The scripture reminds us that while we were yet sinners, he sent His son for us. He didn’t wait for us to get it together. He loved us right where we were and continues to love us right where we are now. Even in the middle. Even when we’re angry. Even when we don’t know how to move forward. Don’t wait for your “Happy Ending” to find your place of purpose and fulfillment. He can use you right now. The ending will come when it’s time and another story will begin.