Revenge Of The Turds

I have to tell y’all what happened to me the other night. It’s hilariously disgusting. I seriously can’t make up this stuff.

I’ve never been much of a cat person, but about 9 years ago I saw a tiny mouse run across the floor at our store. I decided it would be great to have a cat at work with me in case I were to ever see another mouse. That’s when I got Barbara.

She was the sweetest, tiniest, little thing. Someone had found her and her siblings in a field. I carried her back and forth to work with me and loved on her! I just knew she would be the sweetest cat ever! Turns out…I was wrong! And you can forget her catching a mouse, or anything else for that matter. I can not understand how her muscles have not atrophied, because all she does is lounge around like some fat, spoiled little princess. She’s about as useless as tits on a boar hog! If children get within a foot of her she hisses and growls at them, and she’s been known to bite😳. You’d think that would be the worst of it, and up until the other night, it was! A few days ago, in an apparent fit of rage, Barbara sank to an all new low.

Barbara, the evil princess, nestled between us

She’s been sleeping with us for years now. I mean right smack dab between us! It’s the sweetest thing. For the most part. A few weeks ago she bit a hunk out of Steve’s arm😳. She was knocked across the room and banished from the bed for a couple nights, but that’s not the awful thing she did!

One night last week, after having taken my sleepy meds about an hour before, we laid down to go to sleep. I was so sleepy and that pillow felt like a fluffy cloud! All of the sudden I smelled a horrible smell. It smelled just like a litter box🤢. Steve and I both start trying to find the source of the smell. Don’t forget I’m groggy as all get out at this point! We can’t find anything! Finally Steve says, “I think it’s Barbara!” As gross as it sounds, I was too sleepy to do anything about it at that point. My Advil PM had kicked in full force. I’ll deal with it in the morning, I thought as I drifted off into dreamland. All was well until about 1:30am.

Steve’s always said I’m like the princess and the pea. He says I can feel the slightest wrinkle underneath me. Well, I felt something underneath me. I reached and picked it up. It was some sort of ball?? I grabbed my phone for light, to get a better look…y’all. It was a cat turd! A TURD. CRAP. A SMALL PIECE OF SH*T!🤬💩🤢💩🤬💩🤢. I’m disgusted. I’m nauseated. I’m groggy. I’m slightly confused. I am BITTER! I have cat crap in my hand!

I make my way to the bathroom, wash my hands, say a few words under my breath, use the bathroom, and change clothes. All the while I’m thinking, where did that turd come from?!? I would have felt it when I laid down!! Did Barbara hide that under my pillow and it roll out during the night?!? That’s the only thing that makes sense, but how??? Is she that smart and that sinister?!? Is she the hillary clinton of cats?!?! Should I sleep with one eye open from now on? I went back to the bedroom to get my glasses to go to the couch. I was trying to calm myself so I would be able to go back to sleep. As I was grabbing my glasses I glanced over at the bed. Another turd! She had put two pieces of sh*t in my bed!!! Y’all?!?! I get to the living room to make my bed on the couch, and have to relocate two loads of laundry I had piled there the night before. By now it’s 2am, and I’m BITTER!🤬. And guess who tries to sleep with me on the couch?!? Nah. I don’t think so hillary, I mean Barbara!

Needless to say, Steve has banned her from the bedroom for good! The mom part of me feels so sorry for her when she runs to the bedroom door at night. The thought of her sleeping in the bathroom, all alone, in the dark makes me sad. Then I think of sleeping in a bed of sh*t and I’m over it!😂.

Y’all, isn’t that how sin works??? The devil sneaks the turd in on you! You smell a slight smell. You know something’s not right, but it’s ever so slight that you lay your head down and go to sleep. In other words, you ignore the stench and keep doing what you’re doing, and the next thing you know, you’re up to your knees in pure crap! Sin is sneaky, it rolls out from under your pillow, so to speak. You have to be very careful who you let sleep in the bed with you, or to put it in a way that fits every situation; be very careful who you allow into your life. They can look sweet, but they can be full of sh*t and they can nonchalantly leave turds all throughout your life, leaving you stinky and bitter.

* “Don’t let anyone fool you. “Bad companions make a good person bad.” 1 Corinthians 15:3 * “Walk with wise people and become wise. A companion of foolish people suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20. * “I don’t spend time with people who tell lies. I don’t keep company with pretenders.” Psalms 26:4

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